“Dont try”. This is the phrase etched in Charles Bukowski’s gravestone and at first glance it seems rather defeatist for a man who spent the majority of his life trying to be a writer whilst underemployed at the Post Office. Working a succession of mundane blue collar jobs and bookending grueling nightshifts with hours at a typewriter to find some creative outlet. This is more relevant now than when it was written in the 70s. By pouring himself into a typewriter on a daily basis without compromise on language, hope or humor his life was one of perseverance and ultimately it led him to be a successful writer and poet. So why, after all that effort and finally tasting the satisfaction of success would someone advise not to bother? Was it because he was an alcoholic and outspoken cynic? Probably, but this was a man so obsessed with the beauty of writing concisely there must have been another message.
Like employment, if you have to force the practice of writing without joy or compulsion, then it will be a labour rather than a love. I tried to be an engineer in my early twenties and ultimately my schooling got in the way of my education. The grades and the effort required to wrap my head around things told me frequently that I was ill suited. Swimming upstream for all of that time in an act of defiant perseverance was an act of trying. Trying to picture the moving parts of a planetary gearbox relative to each other, desperately trying to understand concepts rather than remember them. The penny never dropped. This wasn’t down to poor mentoring or lack of trying, my mind is simply not wired that way and I couldn’t change it. No more than I can change the fact that my favourite colour is green but I can’t wear it because it drains my complexion.
If you have to force or overthink it, just like a bowel movement, you are going to have a bad time and end up wincing with regret every time you sit down at a desk. If you have to search for suitability or meaning in employment like a lost firestick remote then your life will pass with all the mundanities of daytime TV, unfulfilled and try to find fleeting joy in consumption. If you try lots of different things through the process of disqualification you find out what don’t want to do. This journey, whilst arduous, is not something I would want to miss. This is the colour of life itself, separate from routine and I’m told it builds character.
Is the true message of “don’t try” fulfilling the idea of oneself without effort? Only doing what comes naturally is a privilege reserved for people with established careers who are forgiven their character flaws as too old to change rather than the graduate pinned attributes of “green as grass” or impertinent. To try to fulfil your potential is not transactional but a long term commitment to address the imperfect and realise something promised.
Or perhaps it is the thought of a life without purpose, passion, desire and success that drives us to try. It shouldn’t come easy but if you aren’t compelled to do it through all the adversity and suffering then “don’t try” but “If you are going to try, go all the way.”
– Alex Pucacco
Still trying
Recommended listening: Giving up, giving in – Streetlight Manifesto
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